How many ways can I say I'm sorry!

I know I have been missing from these pages recently.  I would like to say that I am writing this now to apologise for my long and unexplained absence, but I can't.  I can't apologise for something that has been, and is still out of my control!  Honestly if you knew all the family events and dramas I have been through in the last nine months you would forgive me. So I am back here again to fill you in on all that has been occurring.  I will try plead my case, to those who may be feeling unloved and abandoned by me, and those who can't  empathise with my position, read on!


Before I can continue on there maybe one, or two tiny excuses for my disappearance that I must confess.  The first reason is my relationship with Mr Lips.  We have all been distracted before by love interests, I am 100% sure I am not the only one.  You would also forgive me for my lack of focus on my blog if you knew how my relationship has, so beautifully and organically developed.  It has blossomed into our greatest pleasure we were least expecting.  The joy I have in my life now surpasses anything I ever thought I would have.  I honestly was starting to believe that this kind of love only happened on film, in fairy tales, or that untruth parents tell their daughters to try and stop their child's purity slipping away.  Don't get me wrong,  I was happy and loved before Mr Lips, but I thought the only form of love, would only ever come from my children.  The love I have for them, the bond I have between each of them is unlike anything I have ever felt before.  I never saw any other kind of love for me in my future that would compare let alone surpass what the kids and I have.  I believed that the love between the kids and I was the best and nothing and no-one could ever exceed that.  I never, in all my dreams, predicted that the journey Mr Lips and I started on back then, could have turned into what we have now.  I mean, really, who knew that I could be this happy.  That we would both be this happy.  Equally we love, satisfy, fulfil, accept and treasure each other in a way neither one of us expected.  A complete joyous surprise!  

So I said there were two things that have happened recently that have taken may focus from my blog and actually as I write this now I am unsure which event has had the most impact on my life!  I guess the sensible part of me, the part who has has always put the needs of my kids first would say it's the new job that has made the biggest impact.  The job that was offered to me after I had quit my old job only 2 days before.  I had no choice but to leave.  It was making me so unhappy, a feeling I did not want to have all over again.  I know myself enough now to know when something isn't right for me. I recognise when something is making me so unhappy it affects all the other parts of my life in a negative way.  I left this job for the sake of my mental health and gave myself a time frame in which to find an alternative income so I could pay my bills.  A risky decision to make with two young children.  

Two days later I was offered a job at a school.  It felt like fate.  The job was in a primary school as a Learning Support Assistant.  I had reservations initially about taking the position as I had planned to focus on my newly acquired skill in Swedish Massage.  Also after spending 7 years child minding, I was asking myself "Do I really want to work with children again?"  I took the risk as it was offered as a short contract, less than three months.  I can't tell you how glad I am that I accepted the Job.  I didn't think I could feel so happy and fulfilled in this kind of work again.  It fits in (most importantly), with me and my kids like an old friend.  I can still do the school run, still show my children the emotional support they obviously still need and still spend time with Mr Lips.  Life for me right now couldn't be more perfect.  I am so HAPPY!

I don't want to brag or boast but I am starting to feel like my Karma bank is paying out!  So much so that I have to keep pinching myself and reminding myself that I deserve to be as happy and loved as every other person on this planet.  It's a weird concept for me, to feel entitled.  Not in an egotistical way but in a equal way.  

The other excuse I mentioned before is not really an excuse, but a metamorphosis.  A transition from something I thought I knew confidently enough about to not predict the relationship with Mr Lips would ever change.  I  thought it couldn't change because of both of our histories and that, for me was a concrete enough of a reason to not see what was happening right in front of my eyes.  There was one thing wrong with the confidence I had secured myself with, I didn't consider that his feeling could ever change.  I didn't fully realise the affect I would have on Mr Lips, so the transition from the former to the later has taken much adjustment for me.  Even now, after feeling the full effects of being loved by him, I still keep finding ways of tricking myself into believing that I don't deserve it.

So now Mr Lips loves me.  He loves me fiercely and gently, he loves me proudly and adoringly, he loves my honestly and openness   His love is not hard to feel or to see.  It is so tangible.  He thinks he is emotionless,  he couldn't be further from the truth.  He spoils me and takes care of, not only me, but the children.  It feels so perfectly natural, as if it were always meant to be this way.  We all love him and he loves all of us.  

So, now you see why have been other wise engaged.  The dinners we have shared in beautiful restaurants.   Hanging out together, letting the kids get to know him and visa versa.  There has been a first Holy Communion, which involved returning family members after a long separation.  An attempted introduction of ex husband to Mr Lips, and also first meeting of new partners to existing family relationships.  It has been exhausting but wonderful.

Mr Lips has taken me to, http://www.lambertsrestaurant.com/, which was divine.  The food was delicate and I made Mr Lips order everything I eat.  He took me to http://www.scotts-restaurant.com/,  What can I say, I was in seafood heaven.  Again I loved nothing more than to let him order for me, which he did very well.  Our latest evening out together was for my birthday!  Yes I am now the grand old age of 35.  Mr Lips spoilt me rotten.  We dined at http://www.gauchorestaurants.co.uk/restaurants/restaurant.php?id=sloane.  An amazing steak restaurant.  This meal had me doing the "food dance", (wiggling on your seat and groaning with pleasure at every mouthful, and I mean EVERY single one!)  The day after the amazing evening I had with Mr Lips, came my birthday gifts from him.  Yes! Plural!  He spoilt me more than I have ever been spoilt before!  Do you wan to see what with?  Let me show you!

This a beautifully simple and stunning rose gold bracelet that he chose for me.  No hints, no help.  He chose this knowing me the way that he does.

BBBBAAAAGGGGG!!!!!! I love it.  It's neon orange leather by Marc Jacobs!  Told you I was spoilt, I have never owned anything of this luxurious quality before! 
And finally my third gift from Mr Lips....Underwear.

Obviously this is not me, but this is the underwear I got! Just beautiful.  It has been hard showing this gift off to my friends, I can tell you!

We love in a way that, for both of us has been a long time coming.  
Anyway I am apologising for my absence, but don't doubt that I will be back soon.  That's a promise!

Much Love.

Happy Shopping.

Samara x

Just for the thrill of it all.

The thrill that I am talking about, is the pure absolute adrenaline rush that hit me on my first trip to Oxford street in about 4 months.  I don't mean strolling down Oxford street of an evening, on my way to be wined and dined by Mr Lips, which is always wonderful.  I mean the rush of walking into the flagship store of  http://www.aldoshoes.com/uk and laying my eyes on their spring/summer 2012 collection of beautiful shoes and sandals.  It was a sensorial over load of colours, shapes and fabrics, fluro high heels and wedges, pastel flats and sandals and a plethora of the most beautiful accessories I have laid my eyes on in a long time.  I could feel the smile erupting across my face and I made no attempt to contain it.  I couldn't, even if I tried.  I probably looked slightly delirious, but I didn't care.  It felt like a small piece of heaven.  It was the most amazing feeling that had nothing to do with anybody else in the whole wide world, apart from me.

I floated through the store stroking and fondling all the beautiful shoes, and there are so many!  My mind was spilling over with lust, lust for shoes and matching hand bags.  Shoes and hand bags that belong anywhere else asides my feet with my life style.  They had me longing for Manhattan cocktail lounges, Roman restaurants, and Caribbean beaches.  The shoes I saw deserve a better life than I can give them.  

Is that really true?  No! If they were mine they would be loved and adored for their ability to let me step out from my usual place and let me shine from the inside out.  They would be treasured for the confidence they would give me, prized for the beauty I would feel wearing them, cherished for the pure pleasure of looking down at my feet and feeling joyously happy.  

Don't get me wrong, I know they are only shoes, only inanimate objects. But oh boy they sure are pretty, pretty enough to get my heart pumping! So in the time I spent in the store on that lovely sunny care free day (kids both in school), I tried on a few different pairs. 

I tried these on.  OMG they are beautiful, they are a work of art, a joy to behold!  They are made of the softest suede.  The ankle strap and buckle is chunky and delicious and looked amazing wrapped around my star tattooed leg. (Thick ankle straps like these only work if you have long legs BTW, otherwise they can make your legs look shorter).  They are nose bleed sky high and I would class these as taxi shoes, as in, you leave your house, get in a taxi, get out and sit in a bar or restaurant, then get back in a taxi and go home!  I think this because I rarely wear heels, and I am sure if I had more practise I would be living in shoes like this all through the summer!  Wonderful, bright, fun, leg lengthening, spring in my foot stepping, rainbow coloured shoes like these, (from OFFICE)

Or these! (From Louboutin)

I could go on and on and on, but there is just not enough time or space,  but you get my drift!  So back to my magical monent in Aldo, I tried a few pairs of shoes on and decided that I needed to pay the rent more than I needed to take home another pair of shoes I can't really walk in.  So as a compromise I decided to treat myself to a pair of earrings.  This may seem like a fair enough trade off, but knowing how much I love earrings, there in laid the problem that confronted me when I came to make my choice!  I couldn't make a choice.

Twenty minutes later or so, (who was counting) I made my way to the till to pay for my choice.  Except my choice wasn't singular, it was plural, and it wasn't just two pairs of earring, but THREE and TWO pairs of amazing sunglasses that I couldn't leave without!  At this point standing at the till watching the items I had chosen being rung through, I really felt like I had shown an amazing amount of self control.  I left Aldo that wonderful afternoon walking on air, smiling in the sunshine thinking about how much my sister would love the Aldo spring/summer collection.  Thinking she would probably have the same heart palpations as me and much less self control.

It was only an hour so later when I was showing off my new possessions to Mr Lips, that I fully realised the reality of what I had done.  Those five items nearly amounted to the same price as a pair of flat leather sandals that I had tried on.   Oh dear Samara. FAIL.  Not really though, I have no regrets, none at all.  What I bought I love, all the items are bright and playful and fun, and can be quite sensible (if I wanted that kind of look). Each item can change the look of one outfit.  One pair of shoes (no matter how many butterflies you get in your tummy), will not achieve that many looks.  I feel like I have up dated my wardrobe with this seasons new trends, but without spending a fortune.  WIN! Samara is winning!

Anyway that day was thrilling, and there is definitely something to be said about time away from places or people.  You know the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", and all that.  If I went to Oxford street everyday, I wouldn't of experienced that wonderful feeling of elation.  I feel like I should wait another few months until I go back again, just to get that same shopping high!  Next time I'll make sure I'll have some  serious money to burn, well it is my birthday in June.

Anyway much love as always.

Happy shopping!

Samara x

My gift

My vice is to love.
My weakness is to love.
My pain is to love.
My happiness is to love.
My life is to love.
My breath is to love.
My anger is to love.
My laughter is to love.
My soul is to love.
My gain is to love.
My loss is to love.
My regret is to love.
My pride is to love.
My ego is to love.
My foolishness is to love.
My grief is to love.
My gift is to love.
My love is to love.
My love is mine to give.
Do you accept ALL of my love?

Winter blues......

Hello you, how are you doing? It's been a while since you have heard freom me but I have been struggling with this greyness hanging over my head.  Those of you that have four seasonal weather, do you have the winter blues? Is the never ending concrete grey sky getting you down? Is the endless drizzling rain and the nondescript days that roll from one day into the next insignificantly with no end in sight making you wish for warmer climes.  It's hard to tell if time is moving along or am I just stuck in the same moment, day in and day out.  Depressing I know.  Roll on spring!  I can't help feeling bad because I am wishing my time away but spring for me brings my Mother back from living over seas, my local playground reopening after being closed since September!  (The kids need a good run about in the fresh air).  The weather warming up and the world turning from brown/grey to fresh green is something to look forward to, something that I wish was just around the corner not another two and a half months away.....if not longer!!  Bleugh!

I am finding the best way to get over that feeling that winter isn't going to be ending any time soon, is to go shopping!  Yes, you guessed it folks there has been some shopping action happening! Along side a new part time job, and qualifying as a Swedish masseuse, (random I know but I am really enjoying it!)  I have been shopping on line (dangerous!), and also they put a.missselfridge.com concession in Morley's Brixton, where over the last six weeks I have been giving my credit card a bit of a work out.  I should probably mention that my new job is at joythestore.com, I KNOW! How much trouble am I in.  They might as well pay me in clothes!  


It started with a few sale items from Joy,

a navy play suit with a a cute zip detail at the back which I have been wearing over black leggings/leopard print tights and a long sleeve black top, and a black and gold jumper both by Louche £25 for the two items.  Then a customer came into the store wearing the cutest knitted skirt from Miss Selfridge, so I felt obliged to go check it out.....oh dear.  Two skirts later....

These were the two I decided on (£19 each, reduced from £26) although there were about 7 different patterns altogether.  I did not make this choice easily and had to leave one behind (only for a few weeks!).  Been wearing these lovely skirts with black tops, black leggings or sheer tights, my Nike high tops and some legs warmers as it is freeeeeezing, for London!  Actually I have been doubling up on leggings as I read some where along time ago that when it is cold that layers can protect your legs, (as a women) from developing more cellulite.  Totally lost track then, easily done.  I also bought a scarf from Miss S. but can't find it on the website.  It is white with a grey/black skull and chain print and a hot pink border which is great for a colour splash in these dreary winter months or to got with my hot pink jeans! Then a week or so later I bought some feather earrings from New Look that go really well with my giraffe jumper from River Island......red and pink, love a colour clash. 

On a later return visit to Miss S. I bought myself (in a very uncontrolled manor, which is very unlike me....ha) 

                                                                                     Legging loving, miniskirt hugging, crop jumper adorning, coral coloured outfits......too much?  No!  Here is the skirt I left behind, that was missing me. Jumper £39, leggings £20.  Not too much shopping guilt, which is totally outweighed and completely forgotten with my excitement to go out in new outfits! Hurrah! 

Anyway got to go and make some more room in my wardrobe, seriously.  Good to see you all again.

Happy shopping!

Samara x

Stephen Lawrence

There has been a great deal in the news this week about the Stephen Lawrence case, and now nearly 19 years later two men have been convicted for his brutal and pointless murder.  I wanted to write  to Doreen Lawrence and thank her.  The loss of her Son must be unbearable but she has still had to keep moving on.  I can't imagine my children not being here, not planning their futures for them and wondering what kind of adults they will grow into.  I can't imagine the pain and anguish she has had to endure over all the years.  The thought of that pain is too much to even contemplate.  

I am writing this as I have lived in London for over 10 years now and my feeling and opinions about this city have changed so much over the years.  I believe and have seen for my own eyes that racism still exists and is very apparent on the streets of London, the streets that I that I live on.  We as people, as a community have to take responsibly for what is happening on our streets, in our schools, in our work places, in every aspects of our lives.  It is up to every one of us not to tolerate bigoted and racist behaviour.  We are the only ones responsible for teaching our children compassion.  If no one does anything differently and nothing changes how do we move forward as a community? We all breath, we all bleed and somewhere along the line we all die.  So how does the colour of a our skin make us different?  It doesn't!  Our parents, our grandparents, our socio-economic background, our religion and our peers make us different.  In difference is beauty. The world would be a tragic place if we were all the same. 

I want to thank Doreen Lawrence for never giving up on seeking justice for her son's death and showing the rest of the world that "we" are not willing to sit back and be tarred with the same brush, the brush that calls us "niggers", stupid, uneducated, hoodlums, gangsters, drug dealers, pot heads and any other name you may have ever been called.  Her belief and faith in the black community and supporting young black people in developing their futures has not gone unnoticed.  The trust Doreen set up to promote a positive community legacy in her son's name gives so much to those who now were not even born when Stephen Lawrence was killed.  I want to thank her again, because hers is a truth I will be sharing with my children when they are old enough, and I pray in 10 years time these kinds of stories will be resigned to the hall of historical events that changed the world we live in today, so that all of our children, past, present and future, will not have to know the hatred of racism.  I do not want this to be my children's truth.

R.I.P. Stephen Lawrence.

 

I am OVER Christmas!

I am so totally over Christmas.  When I started to write this post it was the day after boxing day and I was (and still am) totally over my children's rotten behaviour.  Considering how much time, effort and money I spent putting into giving them the kind of Christmas I think they deserve, they should have been angels!  But apparently what I think they deserve, and what they actually deserve (NOTHING!!!!!!) is very different.  I know I sound bitter but I think that sometimes Santa gets tooooo much credit!  I guess if I had a partner he could say to me "Well done Mum" but I don't.  There is no appreciation forth coming, just battling my seven year old's bad attitude, and my four years old tired, overwhelmed, shouting behaviour!

Christmas day was lovely.  I managed to spend two hours with the ex.  It wasn't too painful, he came so that he could see the kids open their presents.  We then spent the day and some of the evening at a great friends house.  That was the best part of the day for me, being with genuine friends that love and care for me and my kids when my family can't be around.  I can't thank those wonderful people enough for the fantastic day that we had.

I didn't think I would have anything under the tree from Santa this year, so I thought it a good idea to buy myself my own presents!  This is the dress I chose for my Christmas day. It is from www.asos.com and was very affordable and very red (Misses Claus theme in mind).



I wore this with shiny black leggings and red feather earrings.  Very christmasy!  I also shopped on line at River Island......



I got this jumper (£38) which is so cute, soft, flattering and comfy. I love the red/pink colour clash and the giraffe.  I also got two dresses for my daughter....

The other is unavailable now so I can't show you but she looked beautiful in it on Christmas day.  Again if I had not lost my wonderful HTC Desire there would be pictures galore of all my wonderful Christmas presents to myself and my children

Now of course my very generous parents gave me the money I did my shopping with, so "THANK YOU" to them for that, plus it also turned out on Christmas morning that I did have a present under the tree, in fact two!  One from a very organised best friend, who had also sent presents for the kids.  She knows me so well! I love the gorgeous purple nail varnish which I wore on my toes for New Years Eve and the two lovely rings that she gave me. One of which is and owl and the other is also a bird but I can't work out what kind!   I love them both.  My second present I knew about on Christmas eve when Mr Lips turned up late that night with it.  I put my "wonderfully wrapped present"  (just joking Lips, good job!) under the tree ready for the morning.   Except when Mr Lips left I took my present into my bedroom, like a naughty child, and opened it straight away! I couldn't wait.  How was I supposed to sleep knowing that present was in there waiting for me! I'm sorry Mr Lips, I'm worse than my kids, actually worse than my sister who eats all her advent calendar by the 4th of December!  I have no patience when it comes to surprises!  At least I didn't lose any sleep that night wondering what was inside my present.  So are you wondering what was inside?   SHOES! They are the most gorgeous, delicious, sparkliest, highest heels that I have ever owned, and as you could probably guess I am in love with them.

Now I do happen to have a picture of these as I tried them on back in October. I took a snap with my HTC and sent it to Lips requesting that he buy them for me.  (Just trying my luck! It didn't work.)  But I must say, they were worth the wait.

What do you think?  They are from Dune and the shoe is called "BLING D".  They are just waiting for a fabulous night out with Mr Lips. I am too.

Anyway the traumatising children's behaviour is slowly fading from my memory already, so I am sure by next Christmas I will spoil the children all over again with no less than the same results. Wonderful.  So welcome all to 2012.  I have a feeling there is going to be some serious shopping happening this year, well one can hope.  Plus I am eagerly awaiting some legal documents, so roll on 2012. Well not too quickly as I am in no rush to get to being 35!

Happy New Year and Happy Shopping!

Samara

Lost my android phone.....

Hello Dollies! I have been managing to have a bit of a social life, a bit of me time.  I have  been out a couple of times over the last few months, care of my Dad staying over.....as well as another friend who stays over which is beyond amazing.  JN you know who you are!   Plus my lovely neighbour whose baby sitting rates are quite good.  On my nights out I have visited the newly opened www.electricsocial.com/ which I enjoyed a lot especially the delicious cocktails. My favourite cocktail was an English Garden with cucumber, elderflower and Gin.  This one comes highly recommended by me!   I have been to a house party, or two, an art exhibition.......(New and up coming artists in south London), a  delicious lunch now and then in the West End with the new squeeze.  A comedy night in Covent Garden, and some bars and clubs. www.aqua-london.com is a stunning bar that we went to.  We had tapas and cocktails and it was all delicious.  The waiter was friendly and helpful, a real charmer.  www.movida-london.com is another place I got taken to.  I must say that I felt 100 years old here!  I did get drunk enough to forget about all the children there (all the under 25's, sorry) in their skinny mini outfits which consisted of mostly spandex and sequins stretched across their arses and boobs and shoes high enough to get altitude sickness or at least a nose bleed! (Don't get me wrong, of course I have dressed like this before, in the past, but it was a long time ago and I don't like being reminded how long ago it was!!!!!)  I actually did have a hilarious night once I got over my age insecurities and stopped worrying about what other people might be thinking about me!

My me time can only work in a space that is just fort me, not about my kids.  So it is important for me to have fun, in places that do not remind me of my kids.  Time away from the four walls, allows me to appreciate what I do have even more.  I love the home I have, the life I have, and especially the kids I have.  But going out also reminds me that there is another world out there. One that I can contribute to in so many positive ways.  Having children can sometime make you blinkered.  Not all the time, but sometimes.  You can lose yourself in nappies, housework, play groups, nurseries, nutrition, what school, and where?  Do I need to move house, for the right school?......And then usually, in that time period, another baby comes along, and there you go again!  I know I have said this before, I wouldn't change having children for the world.  They are wonderful and amazing but I wish I could have been a little more selfish in those early years and made sure that I had kept something separate from having children, just for me.

So, in my me time, of course I have been shopping.  Most of it has been on line as I am such a busy lady at the moment! My recent purchases have in included a pair of Fairisle shorts from www.asos.com (Lost my wonderful HTC phone and can not take pictures of myself right now! Obviously I rock them better than this!)

I love love love these and have worn them loads but wish I had got a smaller size.  (Got a 12 which I am not, but keep thinking I am!)

 I also bought some glossy fashion magazines which I never normally do.  Whilst I was reading those magazines they left me feeling the same way that I always end up doing.  Rubbish and fat.  Looking at those skinny models/actors stretched and air brushed to the point that is realistically unachievable.  Photo shopped  to the point of being ridiculous, and even though I know this about all those magazines and images, it still equals me feeling bad about myself.  Feeling fat and unattractive and wanting things that right now I just can't afford.  So then the depression kicks in.  This is why I don't buy those magazines, in fact any at all ever again! (Well at least for a few months!)  So after all that self loathing I end up having to have some retail therapy!

Which is a coincidence as I keep getting all these emails from different brands offering me great deals on stuff I don't really need!  Like a sequinned bomber jacket from New look.  I don't need it but I love it and I bought it, it was half price! And two super cute cross body bags that I got from asos.com in a 20% off all accessories promotion. One is green and the other is glittery gold, I don't care I love them both (I know what you are thinking.....Sucker!)  I am.  I have said it before and will say it again, I am the perfect retail customer, all the sales tricks work on me!   I Also bought some costume jewellery from Brixton Market.  Three items for £5.  I ended up with two bracelets, two rings and fives pairs of earrings!  I was having a bad day...... ;-)  Wish you could see them, feathers, shells, beads, studs and all the colours of the rainbow!

There have bee a few other purchases, mostly Christmas related (presents for kids) and I did get my hair cut for the first time in a LONG time which I was desperate for.  My Hairdresser, Romi is the best. He is Brazilian and I love him!  He is the only person I trust with scissors near my hair.  He works in www.kikihairandbeauty.co.uk/ and he has been cutting my hair for about three years.  He is the sweetest most considerate guy and he always listens to the dramas going on in my life! I love love love Romi.

Anyway must stop adding to this post as I am sure you are probably thinking, STOP WAFFLING Samara! So until next time and I shall tell you all about my best Christmas purchases and sale bargains.  Hope you all have a wonderful festive season and a great New Year.  Go 2012!

Happy Shopping!

Samara x

P.S. Plus it turns out that my love for Mr Lips maybe not be so unrequited.  He has just been keeping his cards close to his chest.  I guess you never can tell what goes on in someone's head!

Mr Lips.

Hello you lot!  So I mentioned in my last post that I had a new squeeze.  I am writing to tell  you that I am enjoying the squeezing!  Let me tell you a little about him.  He is the same age as me.  He has never been married and he doesn't have any kids.  He has island heritage, Jamaican to be precise.  He was educated in the same way as me, which is a refreshing change from the usual for a black man from south London.  He works hard and is driven, which again I find so attractive after my experiences in previous relationships.  He is a gentleman, well mannered and polite.

I think I am in love......I am really hoping that I am not but, I do believe I am.  Annoying, as it's not reciprocated.  Was hoping to never be in this position again, unrequited love.  I tried to keep the upper hand, which lasted for all of about 30 seconds. Then I put my heart on my sleeve in full plain view.  So far he has called me hormonal, vulnerable, baby, girl, sweet, cute.  Not good I know, but with that he has peppered the conversation with, extraordinarily beautiful, hot, great mother, great bum, funny, sweet, and I catch him looking at me like he wants to take care of me and wrap me up hold me close and love me.  He always looks so surprised by my sweetness and the attention I show him. I don't know if I am right at all, but I hope so.

I have caught him watching me cook, and he loves my hands on his body, (but then who wouldn't!)  He is not generous with his kisses (resembles a cats bum) but he makes me work for what he does give me, and when he lets his guard down, his kisses are tender, sensual and turn me on so much.  I like that.  After being with some someone who adored me to the point of idolisation, there is something to say about having to make an effort rather than being in a relationship where everything is taken for granted.  It takes perseverance and energy to make a relationship work, which I am pretty sure I didn't have with my ex.  It was too easy for me.  No keeping me on my toes.

I do have feelings of love for him.  Warm, fuzzy, light, goofy, and I grin like a fool when I think of him.  He lifts my spirits and makes me feel like all my troubles have melted away.   Even after all the time that we have been seeing each other, I  still get butterflies and my tummy flips. Just want to be in the same room as him. OMG I am making myself sick with soppiness!  I can't control it!  He is funny, smart, motivated and has the most delicious thighs.  He is sweet and generous (just not with his kisses, but I am working on that because I know those lips can be so bad if he lets himself go).  He has the most kissable lips and stunning eyes to get lost in for time.  I think because I let him know how I feel, I make him uncomfortable.  I hope I don't push him away, but you know what if my love is too much for him, then he is not ready for it and surely doesn't deserve it.

Investing in this relationship is a chance I have to take. I am not saying it will be easy with me, I have my own issues too (which he is all too aware of) and two kids...I hope that is not too much to ask from him?  Mr Lips?

Are you cheating time?

I think it is really cruel what time can do to you.  To your skin, to your hair and your body.  I have been unfortunate enough to have started going grey.  I discovered my first grey hairs when I was 23.  I have been progressively getting greyer since then, a little more after the birth of each of my children and even more after my separation and on going divorce.  So what to do?  Do I cover it or grow old gracefully?  It's not like I even look the ripe old age of 34! I am always getting asked for ID when buying alcohol. (They have to think 25 here in the UK which means they think I am younger than that! Sweet!)  So I made the decision, after some gentle persuasion by friends and family, to cover up the little silver soldiers that are planning a total take over on my head! The formation of the silver strands are much akin to Lily from the "Munster's" (if you are old enough to know who I mean and if not.......!!!!)

I don't know if I made the right decision as I will have to keep touching up the regrowth, and that sounds like more work in my busy life.  I love that I am a low maintenance woman, and the thought of the extra grooming makes me feel lazy!  Anyway, it's done now.

A few days later and I am still adjusting to the difference it makes, I think I miss them, the grey hairs that is.....is that weird?  I guess I am missing my old routine.  I have a a little job now 4 days a week and I miss the comfort of my living room! Pootling about, cleaning, cooking, shopping, and have the occasional lunch with friends.  I know I still have one day a week to myself but I feel more obliged than ever to clean, or bake for school cake sales or make fancy dress costumes for the school disco, you get my drift.  I just need time to adjust.  I think that is the hardest thing to do after any length of time in a routine.  Adjust.  To an new job, to a new relationship, to having kids, to the end of a relationship, to sharing your bed again for the first time in over 18 months....and not even on a regular basis,  just on occasions! It all takes a little time, which I guess I have more of.

It's funny I have spent the last few years wishing the kids were older and at school, so that I could work and have a career again, yet now I'm here I feel so apprehensive it contradicts everything I thought I was ready for.  I have ended up feeling disjointed and unsure.  But I am sure that I want to provide for my own children, grey hairs or not!  I guess I have to feel the fear and do it any way!  Something that my Dad always used to say me, like when I was taking my driving test, which I failed twice before I really understood what my Dad was saying to me!

Anyway time is cruel.  It is swift and fleeting, yet sometimes can feel like a boggy marsh that you get stuck in.  The main thing is that I am not surprised by time. I understand its quick and slow,  its need to rush and trickle and then I know that time is not doing anything to me, that it's not doing to everyone else! Don't fight it too hard, embrace it and cherish it.  I know the older I get, the more I appreciate my life, my gifts and talents I have, my children, family, friends....you get what I am saying!  Actually a few grey hairs seem inconsequential now, who cares?  Ummmmm MEEEE!!!! I hope to never grow old gracefully and I hope that my kids forgive me for this now, as I am sure if they are anything like me that they will be young at heart forever. What a revelation I have had writing this post!

Anyway next time more shopping and some juicy gossip, I promise. (Like me and my new squeeze bumping into my ex!)

Happy Ageing

Samara

kid free is stress free?

Hello my lovelies!  So after what feels like an extremely long summer holiday, the kids are back at school. They have been back for a month now and doesn't time fly.  Both children in full time education.  Wow.  Thank goodness!  Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed my time with them over the holidays but I am shattered.  Tired of  the battle of wits, the battle of nerves and the physical battling they seem to have got into the habit of doing with each other.

They were good on our big super duper camping trip to Dorset, but that was more to do with exhaustion rather than any thing else. Not much sleep was had, the least by me, but the kids managed to knock out and the boy who never sleeps more than 8 to 9 hours managed to sleep for 12! All the way through the stormy rainy nights and day light pouring through the tent in the morning! The little beggar!  And there was me worrying about sleep, when I should have been watching the weather more!  Watching for the gale force winds, the thunderstorm and the pouring rain, of which we had all.  The three of us all suffered from wind burn too.  Cracking lips and flaky foreheads.  What a drama.  The site we stayed at was amazing though, it was just such a shame about the weather. The camp site is  just outside of Weymouth in Dorset. It is called Eweleaze.  It was amazing. http://www.eweleaze.co.uk/.

Anyway so after Eweleaze, the last big day out with the kids was the Thames Festival on the 2nd weekend of September which seems a life time ago already! In the time that has passed we've had the start of school, a heat wave, a lost and re- issued Acknowledgement of Service (annoying as divorced delayed yet again) and my son having and loving school dinners, even vegetable curry!  Wonders will never cease.  I digress we had a brilliant time at the festival, only got a little rained on.  We visited Chapeau Magique and La Galette. He is this French guy who made these amazing hats from brown paper and teaches you to make them as well.

The kids loved it. He was super bossy though and told me off a few times for getting ahead of myself!  It's my "I know everything" side coming through.  Obviously I don't, but some times I behave like I do.  My daughter had an excellent face paint job and the boy had a  giant mint choc chip ice cream.  So the kids got their treats and I got mine.  If you can actually believe it I managed to do some shopping there and I'm not talking arts and crafty things, I mean clothes shopping!

This quite cute guy had a little stall with vintage items (circa 1979 -93).  I got chatting to him and found out that he normally has a stall at Spittle Fields market on a Thursday.  I ended up buying this super cute and extremely loud bat wing vintage jacket which has a look of  Neneh Cherry or MC Hammer, actually more like Mr Motivator!!!! Still love it!

The jacket is loud as I said but not as loud as my kids! I am so happy they are back in school and slightly worn out when they get home. The kids being in school full time was something I had been looking forward to for a long time, but job hunting has been quite stressful to say the least. Actually I could have them back home and not have to worry about finding gainful employment!  I actually miss the noise of the kids, not a lot but a little, and I am sure just as soon as I get used to my peace and quiet I shall be offered an amazing job and it will all be shattered. Job hunting is a little stressful to say the least.  So maybe kids free isn't as stress free as I anticipated.

Whatever happens over the next few weeks, I am living in hope that I get a paying job soon. I need to do some more shopping, and more seriously I have got bills to pay. I am really hoping that all you out there get to indulge yourselves a little.....:-)

Happy Shopping

Samara

Not scared any more....

There was always things I never did as as child because I was scared, for example answering my mother back, knowing the consequences of that made me scared.  Having to leave my parents to go back to boarding school made me scared, as a teenager talking to boys made me scared.  There were so many things that scared me over the years. I even scared myself sometimes, like when I heard myself singing at a gig when I was younger.  As a child I did fear my Mother, I love her immensely but she did put the fear of God in me sometimes. I do not have that affect on my children at all, and not for the lack of trying! I think she did an amazing job of raising my sister and I.  I hope one day when my children are grown they will say the same about me.

I am braver, older and wiser now. I never thought I would end up as a single mother and there have been moments when it hurts so much that I have wished it to all fall away.  I am strong, strong for the way I was raised, the life that my parents gave me. I just hope and pray that between the shambles of their parents my children can get that strength that I was given.   As much as I am alone, and this is hard work, I will not now or ever use my children, to fill me up. I love them and cherish them.  They were created in love, not to fill my needs. That is not their job. I want them to blossom and bloom into independant adults.  How can they do that, if they think their job is to make me whole and happy.  Like those mothers who hang on to their kids for a hug that little bit to long, and you see the child trying to squirm out of it!  Eeekk. My ex thought that was my job, to  make him happy and whole.  To fill his void.  After 5 years I wasn't enough because the void was something he needed to deal with.  I never want my children to feel that.  I understand that life is the way that it is, but I will do my damnedest to make sure they have enough life skills to get through all that they come across in their future.

I'm not going to lie though, when the day has been hard and the tears flow I do look to them to be my rays of  sunshine, to bring me out of the dark.  How I do this is to ask how their day was.  Anecdotes of their experiences lift me, with their open uncontaminated views of the world which remind me how much I have to be grateful for.  It is not easy being a single mum. Not at all,  but I refuse to be one of those parents who makes their child totally dependant on them for everything.  Because before I know it I will have two fully grown adults that can't leave home because they don't know how!

I am always giving them safe and practical ways for independence, for example my four year old making his own sandwiches for lunch! It is hilarious the mountains of butter I have to remove from the bread but his sense of achievement when has made his own sandwich is almost tangible! That gives me so much joy, it's even better than shopping!  Speaking of which I have finally been, Hurrah!

I have been to Joy! On two occasions and I remembered to use my Ritzy cinema membership which entitles me to 10% off, sweet.....The first trip I bought a cardigan, Louche £29, a pair of earrings £5, (surprise surprise!) and two tops (buy one get one free.......sweeeet!).  I think they were £29 and £20 respectively.

Then I went back a few days later and bought the same cardigan in another colour, plus another jumper (also Louche £39), no self control what so ever.  Oh yes! I almost forgot another purchase, a pair if earrings from a concession called Pearl and Ivy at Topshop they are £15. Soooooo lush!

I have also been given a gorgeous dress by my generous and kind hearted sister whilst she was visiting me. It's from a concession in Topshop, I think Traffic People, but I am not sure, it is £45.

I obviously need to be taken somewhere fantastic in this dress, I hate to say it but I think it maybe be too good for Brixton! What do you think?  So to all my shopaholic's out there......

Happy shopping!!!

Samara

Unrest in the cities and unrest in my head.....

.......but amidst all the looting I was bought some new shoes (and no I didn't loot)! I am a slave to fashion.  Not sure how proud I am of that statement, in fact not at all after the last weeks craziness, but if the shoe fits! Hahaha.

These lovely babies are from Offspring in Selfridges.  They are Adidas, Jeremy Scott, Wings Ballerina. Mouthful.  My daughter when she saw them said, "I wish they were real wings, because then you could fly."  I wish they were too.  I helped a friend shop for a holiday and these were a gift in return for my skills!  Or something like that.....Anyway these are deliciously cute, the leather is super soft and the sole is really cushioned.  With some pumps you can really feel the hardness of the ground when you walk but these are like little fluffy clouds.  Maybe that's why they have wings?

I digress, going back to the title, I am asking, after days of destruction and fear on the streets, when is our summer of love?  I know for me it will not be this summer, and I'll tell you why.  My kids are off on their summer break.  They get just over 6 weeks this time around and we have only had three, and I can honestly say we are all lucky to have survived this far!  Their behaviour has gone from bad to worse.  They have been waking earlier and earlier and they spend most of the day being grumpy, whinging and whining about what they haven't got or haven't done.  What they have done this summer so far includes, the Science museum, London Zoo, the cinema three times, the museum of London's Docklands, ice skating, swimming several times, sports camp three times (all day sports from 9.15am to 3pm), parks, play grounds and loads of arts and craft.  We have only got half way through the holidsys.  I am getting a feeling that my kids may be spoilt and/or under exercised.  At this precise moment in time they having time out in their own rooms so they can't poke, pinch, punch, fight, bicker, argue or scream.  This for their own safety and my sanity!  I am so close to smacking bottoms.  So I am taking them out for three laps of our local park or until they beg me to stop which ever comes first.  Lets see what the out come will be.

I know this blog does not discuss my thoughts on the riots, but I think there are enough people out there putting their two pennies in... I'd rather be proactive.  Like getting involved with #riotcleanup, which I did in Clapham Junction on Tuesday.

 Well back to the kids and one lap around the park later, which is just over a mile and a half, they were begging to stop.  The little one scooted around and my daughter jogged with me.  She was not impressed!  So did it help wear them out????   No! They were still up at 5.30am, they came running into my room at some time before 6am to tell me about their battle cries, and what each of them had done to each other.  Not a happy Mummy.  So this morning back out again to the park to do more laps, I will not be beaten.  It leaves me needing retail therapy more than ever! Also it is quite good exercise for me!

I'm hoping next summer will be better, not that I'm writing this summer off, as we have our very first camping trip to look forward to next week, and I am not afraid to tell you that the thought of it has the fear of god  in me as I know how much my kids love to sleep, NOT!  Can I train them to sleep with eye masks?  Anyway as long as the weather is good, late nights and early mornings are bearable, if not, who knows if we'll make a whole week.  Next summer they will be older and I may even be able to afford a trip back to Tobago (finger crossed).  But in the mean time I will keep trying to reign in their appalling behaviour.

Also to note, I removed myself from the dating site.  It just wasn't cool.  Plus I went to the sites 4 th birthday party celebrations and left an hour later, it was just painful.  I did not and do not belong there, ever.  Back to the old fashioned way of dating.  It was also making me constantly check my page to see if anyone had messaged or whatever.  Like I don't have anything better to do, which really I don't.  Maybe I'll try another site!

Anyway time to toddle off to bed.

Happy shopping.

Samara

What do to when the money runs out....

I have just discovered the recession. Fact. Now it is hitting home.  My kids are my priority their needs come first, bills always paid, food in the fridge etc..  This sucks because (as you know)  I love to spend money on clothes and shoes and all things lovely and bright!  But it is what it is.  For a while now I have been thinking that when my boy starts full time school in September that it would give me the opportunity, after 7 years at home raising children, to do something for me.  There is a course at Goldsmiths university, PACE in Music Theory and Singing.  One of my many other hobbies.  (I love to sing).  I was also thinking that a creative writing course would be good now that I have started this blog.  But reality has hit home this week and  as a single mother and sole bread winner I have realised that this is not an option! I never thought I'd be here financially,  but I am.  It is slightly stressing me out.

But in this period of doubt and insecurity I have looked back on positive influences that I have held onto.  The first being my loved ones who always support me. It doesn't even need to be said really! The second is a great book The Secret......a best friend gave me this book after my separation from my husband.  After days of crying reading the first few pages made me suddenly stop.  It is amazing.  It makes perfect sense when you read it.  Of course if you think negatively that is what u attract, negativity.  A year and a half after reading it it still rings true. It is something I always draw on when those feelings of insecurity arise.  The third is another book, Eat Pray Love.  I read this just a few weeks ago, and it in part, especially in the first chapter, feels like what has been and is still going on in my life.  This chapter hooked me and drew me in and kept me.

There are parts of the first chapter of this book that ring true to my life.  The bit about back to back boyfriends from the age of 17ish,  the need to people please and morphing into the man you are in a relationship with. All of these things happened without me realising! Until now.  Now I see it crystal clear.  I had good intentions to give myself a break from any kind of relationship, but I find myself in something that resembles that already.  I can't help myself it seems but I'll tell you one thing, I am doing it differently this time!  Not that this guy would know but I know, so that's all that counts.

 A quote from Eat Love Pray,  " you need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select what clothes you're gonna wear every day.  This is a power you can cultivate.......Because if you can't learn to master your thinking, you're in deep trouble forever."  This to me was a revelation.  I thought, I WAS STUCK WITH THIS MIND FOREVER!  The mind that allows me to have thoughts of self doubt, and to constantly beat myself up for my failures and mistakes.  I can change it, I change them!  What clarity this has given me. I'm not saying that I have mastered this skill over night but when I find myself on that negative train of thought I remember to turn it around, and to choose the things I think about rather than the thought choosing me.

Anyway I am still not sure what to do about the lack of shopping that is going on in my life right now but  I am staying positive and searching for the perfect job, to fit around my kids, my life, and my retail habits.  If anyone has any ideas, please share them with me.  Also if anyone needs someone to shop with, let me shop with you and give you some help, plus I can ride off your retail fix! I miss shopping :-(

Happy thoughts to you all.......

Samara

Click.

This on line dating business is a funny one, in that there is so much game playing, so much thought put into each comment, or response, that the spontaneity that you have in a face to face situation is lost, completely.  It leaves me feeling very unsure and to be honest slightly more neurotic than ever.  Especially when I am now at a point in my life and situation that I am finally feeling whole and complete.  Not needy or insecure, but this has the potential to make me feel that way again.   As much I know this about on line dating it makes me want to run for the hills,  but there is a part of me as usual,  that will still always stand my ground, so I will keep clicking.  I am a crazy mofo!

So I met this guy on the site I have joined.  He is, on paper a pretty respectable guy, (although not even sure what is supposed to mean, educated,  employed, well travelled?)  I know that when I looked at his pictures, he wasn't drop dead gorgeous, but handsome.  (Hope he doesn't read this!) but there is something about the pictures he posted.  And even now after two dates I can't stop looking at them.  So messages were sent back and forth and a rapport was struck. Numbers were exchanged, well actually I gave him mine....of course it was me first!  

In our first conversation it occurred to me how much I had in common with this stranger and also how much I loved the sound of his voice.  It struck a cord in me, like a double bass, low and mellow.  Vibrating through me.  I feel crazy being attracted to his voice but I guess that is primeval  reaction. Anyway we spoke for maybe an hour and agreed to meet in a couple of days. Even now talking about his voice makes me slightly crazy, in a good way!

In the mean time on the site and I am still getting messages and invites out for dinner.  Still getting compliments and getting my ego massaged.  The thing is I can't help feeling like this is all wrong. Like I am cheating.  I have to give this guy a go first before I decide that he is not right.  I mean I actually like him, but I don't want to put  all my eggs in one basket, for the usual reasons.  I just feel a bit wrong.  Maybe it's my catholic up bringing!  As I met him the way I did, I feel like it is too early to say, are you still checking girls out, do you want me to stop checking out boys,  without sounding like a complete stalker or possessive. I am not.  It is just so hard to know what to do.  Almost enough to make we wish I was still with my ex....but not quite!  

I guess I'll just take it one day at a time.  I will let you know that, the first date was amazing, he was kind, funny, generous, witty, interesting and captivating.  He also let me talk a lot!  Plus his eyes are amazing, and our first kiss was out of this world, but I'm not saying that I like him (unless he says he likes me).  Our second date was even better.  Lets see what the third holds. On line dating is weird but wonderful experience. Just hope I don't have to do it for too long as I may end up a neurotic bundle of mess, which is not cool.

Birthday presents continued....

Hello my lovelies!  I still really want to show you all my gifts that I received from family and friends for my birthday.  I know I keep banging on about it but, it is a whole year until my next one.  I think it is a really long time to go between celebrations.  A time to feel loved and appreciated by your family and friends.  I am lucky though because everybody I know spreads the love on a daily basis.  I don't need to imagine how hard it is not to hear and feel it regularly. There was the dark days, which when I had my first child and I didn't know anybody that had a baby or was pregnant.  All of my social friends that I had before I got pregnant just melted away into the aether never to be heard from again by the time the baby arrived.

I joined the NCT (National Childbirth Trust) antenatal group local to me and a NCT tea group (ladies brought together by proximity of location and their babies birth date).  At both I met some lovely people whom I became good friends with.  In the first few months of my daughters birth I was fine, but what happened after that I was not prepared for.  After a very "generous" 6 months paid maternity leave (1 year now), the friends that I had built a support network with went back to work.  The depression started to set in and I was so lonely. My lowest point was when the baby was about 9 months old.  I was eating my way through my loneliness, and crept up from a size 10 to a 14/16.  I didn't even realise.  It wasn't until my best friend asked me to be a brides-made when the baby was 16 months old that I woke from the food loving I'd been giving myself.  It was a hard slog but I shed the weight in time.

Over the years, as it has been that now, my new friends slowly moved further out of London, or left completely.  I have learnt to not take it so personally now when friends move away and I never take friendships for granted.  But I have also learnt to push past the fronts that Mum's put up because they think that being perceived as a parent that is coping is better than not. Rather than actually talking about parenthood and getting help and support which could be seen as a sign of failure.  It is not. Anyway, seven years later I have learnt a lot and take support and advice wherever I can get it.

Sorry, I digressed monumentally then from the topic of conversation which was, my presents!

The red bracelet is from the V&A.  The flower bracelet I got with a dress from H&M (below) and the green bracelet was from my children!  I nearly fell off my chair when they gave it me (as it means the kids DAD bought it for me!)

(Big hair day!) Dress from H&M. Come on sunshine.

I got 5 pairs of earrings, three from my sister, one from my Mum and one pair that I bought with my vouchers from Joy.

Bananas! River Island.

These two are super long and the second one is like a pair I've seen Kelis wearing!  Not for everyone, but definitely for me!

Bees earrings from Joy.  I do love insect jewellery.

I also got the dress below from Joy with my vouchers, plus after a year of having a Ritzy cinema membership, I just discovered that it entitles you to 10% off so I didn't have to pay any extra. Love the colour, the fabric and the pockets of the dress.  I like the structure, and the tie at the back gives you the illusion of a smaller waist.

I also got a voucher for H&M, so I bought these items!

Go bananas!

This necklace is made by a company called www.discobeads.com, and was a gift from my very dear and sweet friend.

 

The beads are like cats eye and reflect the light. I love them!  Disco Beads have a whole range of jewellery in different styles and colours, check them out.  These super cool sunglasses are great, I can never have too many pairs (especially now since got contact lenses).

And finally the new Nike iD's!!!!!  My new Nike Blazer High iD's, put together by myself, as a gift from my Mum.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Many thanks to all that sponsored this latest blog!  See what I mean, my friends spread the love.  So see you soon. Got lots more to tell, as always.

Happy Shopping!

Samara