Not scared any more....

There was always things I never did as as child because I was scared, for example answering my mother back, knowing the consequences of that made me scared.  Having to leave my parents to go back to boarding school made me scared, as a teenager talking to boys made me scared.  There were so many things that scared me over the years. I even scared myself sometimes, like when I heard myself singing at a gig when I was younger.  As a child I did fear my Mother, I love her immensely but she did put the fear of God in me sometimes. I do not have that affect on my children at all, and not for the lack of trying! I think she did an amazing job of raising my sister and I.  I hope one day when my children are grown they will say the same about me.

I am braver, older and wiser now. I never thought I would end up as a single mother and there have been moments when it hurts so much that I have wished it to all fall away.  I am strong, strong for the way I was raised, the life that my parents gave me. I just hope and pray that between the shambles of their parents my children can get that strength that I was given.   As much as I am alone, and this is hard work, I will not now or ever use my children, to fill me up. I love them and cherish them.  They were created in love, not to fill my needs. That is not their job. I want them to blossom and bloom into independant adults.  How can they do that, if they think their job is to make me whole and happy.  Like those mothers who hang on to their kids for a hug that little bit to long, and you see the child trying to squirm out of it!  Eeekk. My ex thought that was my job, to  make him happy and whole.  To fill his void.  After 5 years I wasn't enough because the void was something he needed to deal with.  I never want my children to feel that.  I understand that life is the way that it is, but I will do my damnedest to make sure they have enough life skills to get through all that they come across in their future.

I'm not going to lie though, when the day has been hard and the tears flow I do look to them to be my rays of  sunshine, to bring me out of the dark.  How I do this is to ask how their day was.  Anecdotes of their experiences lift me, with their open uncontaminated views of the world which remind me how much I have to be grateful for.  It is not easy being a single mum. Not at all,  but I refuse to be one of those parents who makes their child totally dependant on them for everything.  Because before I know it I will have two fully grown adults that can't leave home because they don't know how!

I am always giving them safe and practical ways for independence, for example my four year old making his own sandwiches for lunch! It is hilarious the mountains of butter I have to remove from the bread but his sense of achievement when has made his own sandwich is almost tangible! That gives me so much joy, it's even better than shopping!  Speaking of which I have finally been, Hurrah!

I have been to Joy! On two occasions and I remembered to use my Ritzy cinema membership which entitles me to 10% off, sweet.....The first trip I bought a cardigan, Louche £29, a pair of earrings £5, (surprise surprise!) and two tops (buy one get one free.......sweeeet!).  I think they were £29 and £20 respectively.

Then I went back a few days later and bought the same cardigan in another colour, plus another jumper (also Louche £39), no self control what so ever.  Oh yes! I almost forgot another purchase, a pair if earrings from a concession called Pearl and Ivy at Topshop they are £15. Soooooo lush!

I have also been given a gorgeous dress by my generous and kind hearted sister whilst she was visiting me. It's from a concession in Topshop, I think Traffic People, but I am not sure, it is £45.

I obviously need to be taken somewhere fantastic in this dress, I hate to say it but I think it maybe be too good for Brixton! What do you think?  So to all my shopaholic's out there......

Happy shopping!!!

Samara

Unrest in the cities and unrest in my head.....

.......but amidst all the looting I was bought some new shoes (and no I didn't loot)! I am a slave to fashion.  Not sure how proud I am of that statement, in fact not at all after the last weeks craziness, but if the shoe fits! Hahaha.

These lovely babies are from Offspring in Selfridges.  They are Adidas, Jeremy Scott, Wings Ballerina. Mouthful.  My daughter when she saw them said, "I wish they were real wings, because then you could fly."  I wish they were too.  I helped a friend shop for a holiday and these were a gift in return for my skills!  Or something like that.....Anyway these are deliciously cute, the leather is super soft and the sole is really cushioned.  With some pumps you can really feel the hardness of the ground when you walk but these are like little fluffy clouds.  Maybe that's why they have wings?

I digress, going back to the title, I am asking, after days of destruction and fear on the streets, when is our summer of love?  I know for me it will not be this summer, and I'll tell you why.  My kids are off on their summer break.  They get just over 6 weeks this time around and we have only had three, and I can honestly say we are all lucky to have survived this far!  Their behaviour has gone from bad to worse.  They have been waking earlier and earlier and they spend most of the day being grumpy, whinging and whining about what they haven't got or haven't done.  What they have done this summer so far includes, the Science museum, London Zoo, the cinema three times, the museum of London's Docklands, ice skating, swimming several times, sports camp three times (all day sports from 9.15am to 3pm), parks, play grounds and loads of arts and craft.  We have only got half way through the holidsys.  I am getting a feeling that my kids may be spoilt and/or under exercised.  At this precise moment in time they having time out in their own rooms so they can't poke, pinch, punch, fight, bicker, argue or scream.  This for their own safety and my sanity!  I am so close to smacking bottoms.  So I am taking them out for three laps of our local park or until they beg me to stop which ever comes first.  Lets see what the out come will be.

I know this blog does not discuss my thoughts on the riots, but I think there are enough people out there putting their two pennies in... I'd rather be proactive.  Like getting involved with #riotcleanup, which I did in Clapham Junction on Tuesday.

 Well back to the kids and one lap around the park later, which is just over a mile and a half, they were begging to stop.  The little one scooted around and my daughter jogged with me.  She was not impressed!  So did it help wear them out????   No! They were still up at 5.30am, they came running into my room at some time before 6am to tell me about their battle cries, and what each of them had done to each other.  Not a happy Mummy.  So this morning back out again to the park to do more laps, I will not be beaten.  It leaves me needing retail therapy more than ever! Also it is quite good exercise for me!

I'm hoping next summer will be better, not that I'm writing this summer off, as we have our very first camping trip to look forward to next week, and I am not afraid to tell you that the thought of it has the fear of god  in me as I know how much my kids love to sleep, NOT!  Can I train them to sleep with eye masks?  Anyway as long as the weather is good, late nights and early mornings are bearable, if not, who knows if we'll make a whole week.  Next summer they will be older and I may even be able to afford a trip back to Tobago (finger crossed).  But in the mean time I will keep trying to reign in their appalling behaviour.

Also to note, I removed myself from the dating site.  It just wasn't cool.  Plus I went to the sites 4 th birthday party celebrations and left an hour later, it was just painful.  I did not and do not belong there, ever.  Back to the old fashioned way of dating.  It was also making me constantly check my page to see if anyone had messaged or whatever.  Like I don't have anything better to do, which really I don't.  Maybe I'll try another site!

Anyway time to toddle off to bed.

Happy shopping.

Samara

What do to when the money runs out....

I have just discovered the recession. Fact. Now it is hitting home.  My kids are my priority their needs come first, bills always paid, food in the fridge etc..  This sucks because (as you know)  I love to spend money on clothes and shoes and all things lovely and bright!  But it is what it is.  For a while now I have been thinking that when my boy starts full time school in September that it would give me the opportunity, after 7 years at home raising children, to do something for me.  There is a course at Goldsmiths university, PACE in Music Theory and Singing.  One of my many other hobbies.  (I love to sing).  I was also thinking that a creative writing course would be good now that I have started this blog.  But reality has hit home this week and  as a single mother and sole bread winner I have realised that this is not an option! I never thought I'd be here financially,  but I am.  It is slightly stressing me out.

But in this period of doubt and insecurity I have looked back on positive influences that I have held onto.  The first being my loved ones who always support me. It doesn't even need to be said really! The second is a great book The Secret......a best friend gave me this book after my separation from my husband.  After days of crying reading the first few pages made me suddenly stop.  It is amazing.  It makes perfect sense when you read it.  Of course if you think negatively that is what u attract, negativity.  A year and a half after reading it it still rings true. It is something I always draw on when those feelings of insecurity arise.  The third is another book, Eat Pray Love.  I read this just a few weeks ago, and it in part, especially in the first chapter, feels like what has been and is still going on in my life.  This chapter hooked me and drew me in and kept me.

There are parts of the first chapter of this book that ring true to my life.  The bit about back to back boyfriends from the age of 17ish,  the need to people please and morphing into the man you are in a relationship with. All of these things happened without me realising! Until now.  Now I see it crystal clear.  I had good intentions to give myself a break from any kind of relationship, but I find myself in something that resembles that already.  I can't help myself it seems but I'll tell you one thing, I am doing it differently this time!  Not that this guy would know but I know, so that's all that counts.

 A quote from Eat Love Pray,  " you need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select what clothes you're gonna wear every day.  This is a power you can cultivate.......Because if you can't learn to master your thinking, you're in deep trouble forever."  This to me was a revelation.  I thought, I WAS STUCK WITH THIS MIND FOREVER!  The mind that allows me to have thoughts of self doubt, and to constantly beat myself up for my failures and mistakes.  I can change it, I change them!  What clarity this has given me. I'm not saying that I have mastered this skill over night but when I find myself on that negative train of thought I remember to turn it around, and to choose the things I think about rather than the thought choosing me.

Anyway I am still not sure what to do about the lack of shopping that is going on in my life right now but  I am staying positive and searching for the perfect job, to fit around my kids, my life, and my retail habits.  If anyone has any ideas, please share them with me.  Also if anyone needs someone to shop with, let me shop with you and give you some help, plus I can ride off your retail fix! I miss shopping :-(

Happy thoughts to you all.......

Samara

Click.

This on line dating business is a funny one, in that there is so much game playing, so much thought put into each comment, or response, that the spontaneity that you have in a face to face situation is lost, completely.  It leaves me feeling very unsure and to be honest slightly more neurotic than ever.  Especially when I am now at a point in my life and situation that I am finally feeling whole and complete.  Not needy or insecure, but this has the potential to make me feel that way again.   As much I know this about on line dating it makes me want to run for the hills,  but there is a part of me as usual,  that will still always stand my ground, so I will keep clicking.  I am a crazy mofo!

So I met this guy on the site I have joined.  He is, on paper a pretty respectable guy, (although not even sure what is supposed to mean, educated,  employed, well travelled?)  I know that when I looked at his pictures, he wasn't drop dead gorgeous, but handsome.  (Hope he doesn't read this!) but there is something about the pictures he posted.  And even now after two dates I can't stop looking at them.  So messages were sent back and forth and a rapport was struck. Numbers were exchanged, well actually I gave him mine....of course it was me first!  

In our first conversation it occurred to me how much I had in common with this stranger and also how much I loved the sound of his voice.  It struck a cord in me, like a double bass, low and mellow.  Vibrating through me.  I feel crazy being attracted to his voice but I guess that is primeval  reaction. Anyway we spoke for maybe an hour and agreed to meet in a couple of days. Even now talking about his voice makes me slightly crazy, in a good way!

In the mean time on the site and I am still getting messages and invites out for dinner.  Still getting compliments and getting my ego massaged.  The thing is I can't help feeling like this is all wrong. Like I am cheating.  I have to give this guy a go first before I decide that he is not right.  I mean I actually like him, but I don't want to put  all my eggs in one basket, for the usual reasons.  I just feel a bit wrong.  Maybe it's my catholic up bringing!  As I met him the way I did, I feel like it is too early to say, are you still checking girls out, do you want me to stop checking out boys,  without sounding like a complete stalker or possessive. I am not.  It is just so hard to know what to do.  Almost enough to make we wish I was still with my ex....but not quite!  

I guess I'll just take it one day at a time.  I will let you know that, the first date was amazing, he was kind, funny, generous, witty, interesting and captivating.  He also let me talk a lot!  Plus his eyes are amazing, and our first kiss was out of this world, but I'm not saying that I like him (unless he says he likes me).  Our second date was even better.  Lets see what the third holds. On line dating is weird but wonderful experience. Just hope I don't have to do it for too long as I may end up a neurotic bundle of mess, which is not cool.

Birthday presents continued....

Hello my lovelies!  I still really want to show you all my gifts that I received from family and friends for my birthday.  I know I keep banging on about it but, it is a whole year until my next one.  I think it is a really long time to go between celebrations.  A time to feel loved and appreciated by your family and friends.  I am lucky though because everybody I know spreads the love on a daily basis.  I don't need to imagine how hard it is not to hear and feel it regularly. There was the dark days, which when I had my first child and I didn't know anybody that had a baby or was pregnant.  All of my social friends that I had before I got pregnant just melted away into the aether never to be heard from again by the time the baby arrived.

I joined the NCT (National Childbirth Trust) antenatal group local to me and a NCT tea group (ladies brought together by proximity of location and their babies birth date).  At both I met some lovely people whom I became good friends with.  In the first few months of my daughters birth I was fine, but what happened after that I was not prepared for.  After a very "generous" 6 months paid maternity leave (1 year now), the friends that I had built a support network with went back to work.  The depression started to set in and I was so lonely. My lowest point was when the baby was about 9 months old.  I was eating my way through my loneliness, and crept up from a size 10 to a 14/16.  I didn't even realise.  It wasn't until my best friend asked me to be a brides-made when the baby was 16 months old that I woke from the food loving I'd been giving myself.  It was a hard slog but I shed the weight in time.

Over the years, as it has been that now, my new friends slowly moved further out of London, or left completely.  I have learnt to not take it so personally now when friends move away and I never take friendships for granted.  But I have also learnt to push past the fronts that Mum's put up because they think that being perceived as a parent that is coping is better than not. Rather than actually talking about parenthood and getting help and support which could be seen as a sign of failure.  It is not. Anyway, seven years later I have learnt a lot and take support and advice wherever I can get it.

Sorry, I digressed monumentally then from the topic of conversation which was, my presents!

The red bracelet is from the V&A.  The flower bracelet I got with a dress from H&M (below) and the green bracelet was from my children!  I nearly fell off my chair when they gave it me (as it means the kids DAD bought it for me!)

(Big hair day!) Dress from H&M. Come on sunshine.

I got 5 pairs of earrings, three from my sister, one from my Mum and one pair that I bought with my vouchers from Joy.

Bananas! River Island.

These two are super long and the second one is like a pair I've seen Kelis wearing!  Not for everyone, but definitely for me!

Bees earrings from Joy.  I do love insect jewellery.

I also got the dress below from Joy with my vouchers, plus after a year of having a Ritzy cinema membership, I just discovered that it entitles you to 10% off so I didn't have to pay any extra. Love the colour, the fabric and the pockets of the dress.  I like the structure, and the tie at the back gives you the illusion of a smaller waist.

I also got a voucher for H&M, so I bought these items!

Go bananas!

This necklace is made by a company called www.discobeads.com, and was a gift from my very dear and sweet friend.

 

The beads are like cats eye and reflect the light. I love them!  Disco Beads have a whole range of jewellery in different styles and colours, check them out.  These super cool sunglasses are great, I can never have too many pairs (especially now since got contact lenses).

And finally the new Nike iD's!!!!!  My new Nike Blazer High iD's, put together by myself, as a gift from my Mum.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Many thanks to all that sponsored this latest blog!  See what I mean, my friends spread the love.  So see you soon. Got lots more to tell, as always.

Happy Shopping!

Samara

Thirty four and counting!

So some time ago back the 70's a man and a woman conceived a child.  (Yes I mean me!)  Some time later I arrived into the world and have been blessing the world with my presence ever since!  Every birthday I have had, my Mum has told me that she thinks mothers should get a present on their child's birthday because, well they went through pregnancy and labour and women sacrificed their bodies to bring a child into the world!  Being a mother myself and having had two caesarian sections,  I now totally agree.  I am owed 11 presents! I dread to think what my Mum  is owed or my friend's Mum who has had five children!

So I had my birthday a couple of weeks ago, and I had the most wonderful weekend.  (My birthday was on a Friday so I felt obliged to celebrate into the weekend, all weekend!) Friday day I was lucky enough to have both my children in school all day.  So as soon as they were both deposited at the school gates, I charged to the tube station, birthday vouchers in hand with my Mother in tow. Oxford circus was waiting for me.  The streets were empty (no stalling behind tourist with only 4 hours shopping time!)  I met my sister too, and between the three of us we must have covered every shop on Oxford street and Carnaby street.  It was such a luxury to be able to shop with my family, to get their opinions and to spend the day with them as they are not usually not in the country for my birthday. I knew that the summer sales had started and had looked at a few things I wanted on line already.  I was a woman on a sale mission!

So my birthday purchases are lovely. I didn't get as much as I had planned but, I still have vouchers left for more shopping, Hurrah!  We went to Zara and I tried this skirt on, I loved the colour but decided the fabric was too bulky and added more width to my short torso and more to my already round bottom!

You can tell by my face that I wasn't to keen on this one!
I also bought a pair espadrille style shoe from Office, in the sale for £15. The brand is Rocket Dog.  I had seen these on line beforehand and had been coveting them.

The shopping trip rolled quickly into the afternoon and I had to get back to school for the kids, but not before buying a dress for that evening and my sister bought me the most amazing bag from a concession in TOPSHOP!  The leather is so beautifully soft and tactile. I can't help stroking it and inviting others to to the same!

 Happy Samara!

Friday evening I had dinner with family and friends in a members club in Soho called the Union.  The wine flowed, the food was delicious and the company even better. I wore the dress that I had bought that day in Warehouse.  It was in the sale (£25), and it was perfectly bright and right for me!

Having started this lovely evening in very nice restaurant sipping Prosecco, it ended in the early hours of the morning (3am!) after several bottles of Rose wine, 3 Sambuccas, and a few vodka some-things, two different clubs, a walk home in the rain and not looking as hot as I did when I left the house that evening.   I had the best night, I laughed until my sides hurt and forgot myself somewhere between dinner and falling in to the spare bed at my friends house much later that night.  Birthdays should always be celebrated like this!  I had a great one.

Still got to tell you all about the other lovely things I bought and received, but another day.  Slightly distracted by this dating agency I just joined, which I will tell you all about soon.

Happy shopping!

Samara 

inspired by my friends

I have been thinking about this post for a little while. Because of my situation I can't afford to take anything for granted. Life is full of ups and downs and recently my friends and family have got me through some tough times.  I need to express this, as it will burst out of my heart in a completely inappropriate way! For example when you are out with your friends and you get a bit tipsy, and then a verbal torrent of love spills out, which isn't that bad because love is good, but not everyone is as verbal and tactile as me!

So I wanted to say it like this. THANK YOU!!!! From the bottom of my heart thank you.  You may hot even realise who you are or even what you have done.  These are the friends that have given me a place to stay twice a week for the last 18 months. Gone to the cinema or dinner or dancing with me even though they didn't really want to.  The friends who held me when I was sick from dinking too much, when I was at my lowest. The friends who gave five extra minutes at school pick up to listen to me whilst I got things off my chest. The friends, that when I went to stay with them with my kids, who let me have a lay in in the morning so I could just feel that little bit more in control that day and not be so tired.

These friends have also affected my style.  The one's I am talking about don't even know that.

One friend is classic.  She taught nude colours can be fun too, not just for hiding behind, she has classic style, and would dress in designer labels, if she could afford it.  She is great at finding vintage bargains that are just my style and I love her greatly.  Thank you.

Another friend is quirky but not over top.   Her style has a grown up harder edge, unlike me. I can still manage to dress like a 18 year old, but i am trying to dress age appropriately, well sometimes! She is so  talented and amazing and we can talk on the phone for hours listening and supporting each other. She also is the best chef. Thank you.

Another who left England to move back to Australia and left a massive pile of broken hearts including mine. Who actually was my partner in criminally unique creative clothes styling!  She was always my competition and inspiration for pushing the boundaries of high street fashion. We always stood out and we were always noticed! We both are the kind of people that like to be different. She is wonderful and amzing, to be in a room with her is to be in the presence of inner and outter beauty.  But you know what, I see all my fiends like that.  They all are beautiful. Thank you.

A new friend, has a keep looking good, feeling good philosophy.  She does not judge or comment.  She is excepting, plus she love gold bling as much as me and always wears something gold and shiny everyday! Thank you.

Another friend is down to earth. She reminds me that everyday it is not always a fashion parade, but loves clothes and shopping just as much as me! She keeps me grounded.  This is a crucial skill to have when you have kids, I would say it was one of the  important skills to have along with patience. Which she has a lot of with me.   She helps me out immensely with the kids and I count her as family, a big sister. Thank you.

There are so many of you. You know who you are. My buddies, my friends, my family.

My put together family. OK so let the sappiness stop now. I hope none of you mind my tribute to you!  Join me soon as I have been shopping! It was my birthday last week and I got some great gifts and vouchers for my favourite high street shops from my lovely family.

Happy Shopping!

Samara

OCD

I have a ritual I do before I start to write.  I place my hands gently over the keyboard and smooth them over the keys in a "Daniel son, wax on/wax off" style.  I don't know why but I do.  I think I have a lot of little weird habits or OCD's like that. Like the one that means if I am busy cooking, cleaning or unloading the dishwasher etc. and I find myself needing a wee, I don't go until I have finished.  Even If I am busting!  Weird.  Or the one where I don't leave the house without earrings, and if I do I feel positively naked. Or the one that keeps allowing me to buy the same kind of shape dresses, or always bottoms and never tops and then I have nothing to go with them, so I shop looking for tops and end up with more bottoms!  AAArrgggh. Annoying.  I am sure I am not the only one with weird hang ups or routines, am I?

My purchases over the last few months, whilst my computer has been down and I have been unable to report the loveliness of my acquisitions, have involved coloured mascara (turquoise from Barry M)

I have been experimenting with that one a lot....the kids like it, always saying "Why do you have blue eyelashes, can't they be pink?"  I do have pink mascara,  but I prefer the blue with my brown eyes.  In this second picture I look like I have parrot feathers on my eyelashes!  I'm wearing Barry M lime green dazzle dust with the blue mascara.  Tropical, just like me!

Nail varnish, loving the fun I have been having with this!

Nail varnish is fun! I love being able to wear my favourite colours all at once and just having fun with it and not being too serious with it all.  I tried to paint a heart on my right hand but I ended up with a blob because my left-handed art skills are not that good! 

A pair of feather earrings, of which I have many, but my two favourite pairs of feather earrings and several other pairs got ruined.  My nail varnish leaked in my wash bag on second trip back from Portugal. :-(  So I bought these turquoise and gold ones.

Speaking of Portugal, I had a wonderful second trip, which only cemented how much I love Lisbon.  I dinned, shopped, sunbathed and met some great people.  Including a wonderful woman named Sofia Novais de Paula, who I now count as a great friend.  She has a face book group called Diario de um Baton, which translates as Lipstick Diaries.  Her page is in Portuguese, but she does the same thing as me and has been doing it for much longer then I have and is very successful.  We got on like a house on fire, there was no air left in the restaurant by the time we finished talking!  We realised how much we had in common, even down to the same clothes we bought from H&M, and we both have huge smiles!

Say Cheese!

(My top is from H&M, my jacket is from Topshop that I got about 10 years ago that I can fit into again!)

Lisbon was great. I visited a beautiful Moorish Castle in a place called Sintra just up the coast from Lisbon. 

(I am wearing a cute halter neck sun dress that I got from Joy and leggings from River Island.)

I digress, my other recent purchases have been from River Island and H&M. A Pair of distressed denim shorts from RI, love love love these.  Been wearing them so much they stay in the shape of my bum, even when I'm not wearing them! This top is also new from H&M, I got it because of the pink flowers as I just dyed my hair pink too.

There was an orange mini skirt, a black lacy vest, a crop long sleeve top that says "4 ever is a long time", a t-shirt with a print of a leopard on, a dress covered in a lip kiss print (super cute, and super short! Can only wear this with leggings unless I'm planning on flashing everybody).  

 

I think I am all caught up on my new purchases, but if I'm not I'll drop you a line!  Anyway enough for now.  Sometimes I don't know when to stop talking, writing and generally flapping my gums!  Another one of my OCD's, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I hope you all enjoyed checking out my new stuff. See you soon. 

Happy shopping!

Samara x