How many ways can I say I'm sorry!

I know I have been missing from these pages recently.  I would like to say that I am writing this now to apologise for my long and unexplained absence, but I can't.  I can't apologise for something that has been, and is still out of my control!  Honestly if you knew all the family events and dramas I have been through in the last nine months you would forgive me. So I am back here again to fill you in on all that has been occurring.  I will try plead my case, to those who may be feeling unloved and abandoned by me, and those who can't  empathise with my position, read on!


Before I can continue on there maybe one, or two tiny excuses for my disappearance that I must confess.  The first reason is my relationship with Mr Lips.  We have all been distracted before by love interests, I am 100% sure I am not the only one.  You would also forgive me for my lack of focus on my blog if you knew how my relationship has, so beautifully and organically developed.  It has blossomed into our greatest pleasure we were least expecting.  The joy I have in my life now surpasses anything I ever thought I would have.  I honestly was starting to believe that this kind of love only happened on film, in fairy tales, or that untruth parents tell their daughters to try and stop their child's purity slipping away.  Don't get me wrong,  I was happy and loved before Mr Lips, but I thought the only form of love, would only ever come from my children.  The love I have for them, the bond I have between each of them is unlike anything I have ever felt before.  I never saw any other kind of love for me in my future that would compare let alone surpass what the kids and I have.  I believed that the love between the kids and I was the best and nothing and no-one could ever exceed that.  I never, in all my dreams, predicted that the journey Mr Lips and I started on back then, could have turned into what we have now.  I mean, really, who knew that I could be this happy.  That we would both be this happy.  Equally we love, satisfy, fulfil, accept and treasure each other in a way neither one of us expected.  A complete joyous surprise!  

So I said there were two things that have happened recently that have taken may focus from my blog and actually as I write this now I am unsure which event has had the most impact on my life!  I guess the sensible part of me, the part who has has always put the needs of my kids first would say it's the new job that has made the biggest impact.  The job that was offered to me after I had quit my old job only 2 days before.  I had no choice but to leave.  It was making me so unhappy, a feeling I did not want to have all over again.  I know myself enough now to know when something isn't right for me. I recognise when something is making me so unhappy it affects all the other parts of my life in a negative way.  I left this job for the sake of my mental health and gave myself a time frame in which to find an alternative income so I could pay my bills.  A risky decision to make with two young children.  

Two days later I was offered a job at a school.  It felt like fate.  The job was in a primary school as a Learning Support Assistant.  I had reservations initially about taking the position as I had planned to focus on my newly acquired skill in Swedish Massage.  Also after spending 7 years child minding, I was asking myself "Do I really want to work with children again?"  I took the risk as it was offered as a short contract, less than three months.  I can't tell you how glad I am that I accepted the Job.  I didn't think I could feel so happy and fulfilled in this kind of work again.  It fits in (most importantly), with me and my kids like an old friend.  I can still do the school run, still show my children the emotional support they obviously still need and still spend time with Mr Lips.  Life for me right now couldn't be more perfect.  I am so HAPPY!

I don't want to brag or boast but I am starting to feel like my Karma bank is paying out!  So much so that I have to keep pinching myself and reminding myself that I deserve to be as happy and loved as every other person on this planet.  It's a weird concept for me, to feel entitled.  Not in an egotistical way but in a equal way.  

The other excuse I mentioned before is not really an excuse, but a metamorphosis.  A transition from something I thought I knew confidently enough about to not predict the relationship with Mr Lips would ever change.  I  thought it couldn't change because of both of our histories and that, for me was a concrete enough of a reason to not see what was happening right in front of my eyes.  There was one thing wrong with the confidence I had secured myself with, I didn't consider that his feeling could ever change.  I didn't fully realise the affect I would have on Mr Lips, so the transition from the former to the later has taken much adjustment for me.  Even now, after feeling the full effects of being loved by him, I still keep finding ways of tricking myself into believing that I don't deserve it.

So now Mr Lips loves me.  He loves me fiercely and gently, he loves me proudly and adoringly, he loves my honestly and openness   His love is not hard to feel or to see.  It is so tangible.  He thinks he is emotionless,  he couldn't be further from the truth.  He spoils me and takes care of, not only me, but the children.  It feels so perfectly natural, as if it were always meant to be this way.  We all love him and he loves all of us.  

So, now you see why have been other wise engaged.  The dinners we have shared in beautiful restaurants.   Hanging out together, letting the kids get to know him and visa versa.  There has been a first Holy Communion, which involved returning family members after a long separation.  An attempted introduction of ex husband to Mr Lips, and also first meeting of new partners to existing family relationships.  It has been exhausting but wonderful.

Mr Lips has taken me to, http://www.lambertsrestaurant.com/, which was divine.  The food was delicate and I made Mr Lips order everything I eat.  He took me to http://www.scotts-restaurant.com/,  What can I say, I was in seafood heaven.  Again I loved nothing more than to let him order for me, which he did very well.  Our latest evening out together was for my birthday!  Yes I am now the grand old age of 35.  Mr Lips spoilt me rotten.  We dined at http://www.gauchorestaurants.co.uk/restaurants/restaurant.php?id=sloane.  An amazing steak restaurant.  This meal had me doing the "food dance", (wiggling on your seat and groaning with pleasure at every mouthful, and I mean EVERY single one!)  The day after the amazing evening I had with Mr Lips, came my birthday gifts from him.  Yes! Plural!  He spoilt me more than I have ever been spoilt before!  Do you wan to see what with?  Let me show you!

This a beautifully simple and stunning rose gold bracelet that he chose for me.  No hints, no help.  He chose this knowing me the way that he does.

BBBBAAAAGGGGG!!!!!! I love it.  It's neon orange leather by Marc Jacobs!  Told you I was spoilt, I have never owned anything of this luxurious quality before! 
And finally my third gift from Mr Lips....Underwear.

Obviously this is not me, but this is the underwear I got! Just beautiful.  It has been hard showing this gift off to my friends, I can tell you!

We love in a way that, for both of us has been a long time coming.  
Anyway I am apologising for my absence, but don't doubt that I will be back soon.  That's a promise!

Much Love.

Happy Shopping.

Samara x

Just for the thrill of it all.

The thrill that I am talking about, is the pure absolute adrenaline rush that hit me on my first trip to Oxford street in about 4 months.  I don't mean strolling down Oxford street of an evening, on my way to be wined and dined by Mr Lips, which is always wonderful.  I mean the rush of walking into the flagship store of  http://www.aldoshoes.com/uk and laying my eyes on their spring/summer 2012 collection of beautiful shoes and sandals.  It was a sensorial over load of colours, shapes and fabrics, fluro high heels and wedges, pastel flats and sandals and a plethora of the most beautiful accessories I have laid my eyes on in a long time.  I could feel the smile erupting across my face and I made no attempt to contain it.  I couldn't, even if I tried.  I probably looked slightly delirious, but I didn't care.  It felt like a small piece of heaven.  It was the most amazing feeling that had nothing to do with anybody else in the whole wide world, apart from me.

I floated through the store stroking and fondling all the beautiful shoes, and there are so many!  My mind was spilling over with lust, lust for shoes and matching hand bags.  Shoes and hand bags that belong anywhere else asides my feet with my life style.  They had me longing for Manhattan cocktail lounges, Roman restaurants, and Caribbean beaches.  The shoes I saw deserve a better life than I can give them.  

Is that really true?  No! If they were mine they would be loved and adored for their ability to let me step out from my usual place and let me shine from the inside out.  They would be treasured for the confidence they would give me, prized for the beauty I would feel wearing them, cherished for the pure pleasure of looking down at my feet and feeling joyously happy.  

Don't get me wrong, I know they are only shoes, only inanimate objects. But oh boy they sure are pretty, pretty enough to get my heart pumping! So in the time I spent in the store on that lovely sunny care free day (kids both in school), I tried on a few different pairs. 

I tried these on.  OMG they are beautiful, they are a work of art, a joy to behold!  They are made of the softest suede.  The ankle strap and buckle is chunky and delicious and looked amazing wrapped around my star tattooed leg. (Thick ankle straps like these only work if you have long legs BTW, otherwise they can make your legs look shorter).  They are nose bleed sky high and I would class these as taxi shoes, as in, you leave your house, get in a taxi, get out and sit in a bar or restaurant, then get back in a taxi and go home!  I think this because I rarely wear heels, and I am sure if I had more practise I would be living in shoes like this all through the summer!  Wonderful, bright, fun, leg lengthening, spring in my foot stepping, rainbow coloured shoes like these, (from OFFICE)

Or these! (From Louboutin)

I could go on and on and on, but there is just not enough time or space,  but you get my drift!  So back to my magical monent in Aldo, I tried a few pairs of shoes on and decided that I needed to pay the rent more than I needed to take home another pair of shoes I can't really walk in.  So as a compromise I decided to treat myself to a pair of earrings.  This may seem like a fair enough trade off, but knowing how much I love earrings, there in laid the problem that confronted me when I came to make my choice!  I couldn't make a choice.

Twenty minutes later or so, (who was counting) I made my way to the till to pay for my choice.  Except my choice wasn't singular, it was plural, and it wasn't just two pairs of earring, but THREE and TWO pairs of amazing sunglasses that I couldn't leave without!  At this point standing at the till watching the items I had chosen being rung through, I really felt like I had shown an amazing amount of self control.  I left Aldo that wonderful afternoon walking on air, smiling in the sunshine thinking about how much my sister would love the Aldo spring/summer collection.  Thinking she would probably have the same heart palpations as me and much less self control.

It was only an hour so later when I was showing off my new possessions to Mr Lips, that I fully realised the reality of what I had done.  Those five items nearly amounted to the same price as a pair of flat leather sandals that I had tried on.   Oh dear Samara. FAIL.  Not really though, I have no regrets, none at all.  What I bought I love, all the items are bright and playful and fun, and can be quite sensible (if I wanted that kind of look). Each item can change the look of one outfit.  One pair of shoes (no matter how many butterflies you get in your tummy), will not achieve that many looks.  I feel like I have up dated my wardrobe with this seasons new trends, but without spending a fortune.  WIN! Samara is winning!

Anyway that day was thrilling, and there is definitely something to be said about time away from places or people.  You know the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", and all that.  If I went to Oxford street everyday, I wouldn't of experienced that wonderful feeling of elation.  I feel like I should wait another few months until I go back again, just to get that same shopping high!  Next time I'll make sure I'll have some  serious money to burn, well it is my birthday in June.

Anyway much love as always.

Happy shopping!

Samara x

My gift

My vice is to love.
My weakness is to love.
My pain is to love.
My happiness is to love.
My life is to love.
My breath is to love.
My anger is to love.
My laughter is to love.
My soul is to love.
My gain is to love.
My loss is to love.
My regret is to love.
My pride is to love.
My ego is to love.
My foolishness is to love.
My grief is to love.
My gift is to love.
My love is to love.
My love is mine to give.
Do you accept ALL of my love?

Winter blues......

Hello you, how are you doing? It's been a while since you have heard freom me but I have been struggling with this greyness hanging over my head.  Those of you that have four seasonal weather, do you have the winter blues? Is the never ending concrete grey sky getting you down? Is the endless drizzling rain and the nondescript days that roll from one day into the next insignificantly with no end in sight making you wish for warmer climes.  It's hard to tell if time is moving along or am I just stuck in the same moment, day in and day out.  Depressing I know.  Roll on spring!  I can't help feeling bad because I am wishing my time away but spring for me brings my Mother back from living over seas, my local playground reopening after being closed since September!  (The kids need a good run about in the fresh air).  The weather warming up and the world turning from brown/grey to fresh green is something to look forward to, something that I wish was just around the corner not another two and a half months away.....if not longer!!  Bleugh!

I am finding the best way to get over that feeling that winter isn't going to be ending any time soon, is to go shopping!  Yes, you guessed it folks there has been some shopping action happening! Along side a new part time job, and qualifying as a Swedish masseuse, (random I know but I am really enjoying it!)  I have been shopping on line (dangerous!), and also they put a.missselfridge.com concession in Morley's Brixton, where over the last six weeks I have been giving my credit card a bit of a work out.  I should probably mention that my new job is at joythestore.com, I KNOW! How much trouble am I in.  They might as well pay me in clothes!  


It started with a few sale items from Joy,

a navy play suit with a a cute zip detail at the back which I have been wearing over black leggings/leopard print tights and a long sleeve black top, and a black and gold jumper both by Louche £25 for the two items.  Then a customer came into the store wearing the cutest knitted skirt from Miss Selfridge, so I felt obliged to go check it out.....oh dear.  Two skirts later....

These were the two I decided on (£19 each, reduced from £26) although there were about 7 different patterns altogether.  I did not make this choice easily and had to leave one behind (only for a few weeks!).  Been wearing these lovely skirts with black tops, black leggings or sheer tights, my Nike high tops and some legs warmers as it is freeeeeezing, for London!  Actually I have been doubling up on leggings as I read some where along time ago that when it is cold that layers can protect your legs, (as a women) from developing more cellulite.  Totally lost track then, easily done.  I also bought a scarf from Miss S. but can't find it on the website.  It is white with a grey/black skull and chain print and a hot pink border which is great for a colour splash in these dreary winter months or to got with my hot pink jeans! Then a week or so later I bought some feather earrings from New Look that go really well with my giraffe jumper from River Island......red and pink, love a colour clash. 

On a later return visit to Miss S. I bought myself (in a very uncontrolled manor, which is very unlike me....ha) 

                                                                                     Legging loving, miniskirt hugging, crop jumper adorning, coral coloured outfits......too much?  No!  Here is the skirt I left behind, that was missing me. Jumper £39, leggings £20.  Not too much shopping guilt, which is totally outweighed and completely forgotten with my excitement to go out in new outfits! Hurrah! 

Anyway got to go and make some more room in my wardrobe, seriously.  Good to see you all again.

Happy shopping!

Samara x

Stephen Lawrence

There has been a great deal in the news this week about the Stephen Lawrence case, and now nearly 19 years later two men have been convicted for his brutal and pointless murder.  I wanted to write  to Doreen Lawrence and thank her.  The loss of her Son must be unbearable but she has still had to keep moving on.  I can't imagine my children not being here, not planning their futures for them and wondering what kind of adults they will grow into.  I can't imagine the pain and anguish she has had to endure over all the years.  The thought of that pain is too much to even contemplate.  

I am writing this as I have lived in London for over 10 years now and my feeling and opinions about this city have changed so much over the years.  I believe and have seen for my own eyes that racism still exists and is very apparent on the streets of London, the streets that I that I live on.  We as people, as a community have to take responsibly for what is happening on our streets, in our schools, in our work places, in every aspects of our lives.  It is up to every one of us not to tolerate bigoted and racist behaviour.  We are the only ones responsible for teaching our children compassion.  If no one does anything differently and nothing changes how do we move forward as a community? We all breath, we all bleed and somewhere along the line we all die.  So how does the colour of a our skin make us different?  It doesn't!  Our parents, our grandparents, our socio-economic background, our religion and our peers make us different.  In difference is beauty. The world would be a tragic place if we were all the same. 

I want to thank Doreen Lawrence for never giving up on seeking justice for her son's death and showing the rest of the world that "we" are not willing to sit back and be tarred with the same brush, the brush that calls us "niggers", stupid, uneducated, hoodlums, gangsters, drug dealers, pot heads and any other name you may have ever been called.  Her belief and faith in the black community and supporting young black people in developing their futures has not gone unnoticed.  The trust Doreen set up to promote a positive community legacy in her son's name gives so much to those who now were not even born when Stephen Lawrence was killed.  I want to thank her again, because hers is a truth I will be sharing with my children when they are old enough, and I pray in 10 years time these kinds of stories will be resigned to the hall of historical events that changed the world we live in today, so that all of our children, past, present and future, will not have to know the hatred of racism.  I do not want this to be my children's truth.

R.I.P. Stephen Lawrence.