There was always things I never did as as child because I was scared, for example answering my mother back, knowing the consequences of that made me scared. Having to leave my parents to go back to boarding school made me scared, as a teenager talking to boys made me scared. There were so many things that scared me over the years. I even scared myself sometimes, like when I heard myself singing at a gig when I was younger. As a child I did fear my Mother, I love her immensely but she did put the fear of God in me sometimes. I do not have that affect on my children at all, and not for the lack of trying! I think she did an amazing job of raising my sister and I. I hope one day when my children are grown they will say the same about me.
I am braver, older and wiser now. I never thought I would end up as a single mother and there have been moments when it hurts so much that I have wished it to all fall away. I am strong, strong for the way I was raised, the life that my parents gave me. I just hope and pray that between the shambles of their parents my children can get that strength that I was given. As much as I am alone, and this is hard work, I will not now or ever use my children, to fill me up. I love them and cherish them. They were created in love, not to fill my needs. That is not their job. I want them to blossom and bloom into independant adults. How can they do that, if they think their job is to make me whole and happy. Like those mothers who hang on to their kids for a hug that little bit to long, and you see the child trying to squirm out of it! Eeekk. My ex thought that was my job, to make him happy and whole. To fill his void. After 5 years I wasn't enough because the void was something he needed to deal with. I never want my children to feel that. I understand that life is the way that it is, but I will do my damnedest to make sure they have enough life skills to get through all that they come across in their future.
I'm not going to lie though, when the day has been hard and the tears flow I do look to them to be my rays of sunshine, to bring me out of the dark. How I do this is to ask how their day was. Anecdotes of their experiences lift me, with their open uncontaminated views of the world which remind me how much I have to be grateful for. It is not easy being a single mum. Not at all, but I refuse to be one of those parents who makes their child totally dependant on them for everything. Because before I know it I will have two fully grown adults that can't leave home because they don't know how!
I am always giving them safe and practical ways for independence, for example my four year old making his own sandwiches for lunch! It is hilarious the mountains of butter I have to remove from the bread but his sense of achievement when has made his own sandwich is almost tangible! That gives me so much joy, it's even better than shopping! Speaking of which I have finally been, Hurrah!
I have been to Joy! On two occasions and I remembered to use my Ritzy cinema membership which entitles me to 10% off, sweet.....The first trip I bought a cardigan, Louche £29, a pair of earrings £5, (surprise surprise!) and two tops (buy one get one free.......sweeeet!). I think they were £29 and £20 respectively.
Then I went back a few days later and bought the same cardigan in another colour, plus another jumper (also Louche £39), no self control what so ever. Oh yes! I almost forgot another purchase, a pair if earrings from a concession called Pearl and Ivy at Topshop they are £15. Soooooo lush!
I have also been given a gorgeous dress by my generous and kind hearted sister whilst she was visiting me. It's from a concession in Topshop, I think Traffic People, but I am not sure, it is £45.
I obviously need to be taken somewhere fantastic in this dress, I hate to say it but I think it maybe be too good for Brixton! What do you think? So to all my shopaholic's out there......
Happy shopping!!!
Samara
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