I have just discovered the recession. Fact. Now it is hitting home. My kids are my priority their needs come first, bills always paid, food in the fridge etc.. This sucks because (as you know) I love to spend money on clothes and shoes and all things lovely and bright! But it is what it is. For a while now I have been thinking that when my boy starts full time school in September that it would give me the opportunity, after 7 years at home raising children, to do something for me. There is a course at Goldsmiths university, PACE in Music Theory and Singing. One of my many other hobbies. (I love to sing). I was also thinking that a creative writing course would be good now that I have started this blog. But reality has hit home this week and as a single mother and sole bread winner I have realised that this is not an option! I never thought I'd be here financially, but I am. It is slightly stressing me out.
But in this period of doubt and insecurity I have looked back on positive influences that I have held onto. The first being my loved ones who always support me. It doesn't even need to be said really! The second is a great book The Secret......a best friend gave me this book after my separation from my husband. After days of crying reading the first few pages made me suddenly stop. It is amazing. It makes perfect sense when you read it. Of course if you think negatively that is what u attract, negativity. A year and a half after reading it it still rings true. It is something I always draw on when those feelings of insecurity arise. The third is another book, Eat Pray Love. I read this just a few weeks ago, and it in part, especially in the first chapter, feels like what has been and is still going on in my life. This chapter hooked me and drew me in and kept me.
There are parts of the first chapter of this book that ring true to my life. The bit about back to back boyfriends from the age of 17ish, the need to people please and morphing into the man you are in a relationship with. All of these things happened without me realising! Until now. Now I see it crystal clear. I had good intentions to give myself a break from any kind of relationship, but I find myself in something that resembles that already. I can't help myself it seems but I'll tell you one thing, I am doing it differently this time! Not that this guy would know but I know, so that's all that counts.
A quote from Eat Love Pray, " you need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select what clothes you're gonna wear every day. This is a power you can cultivate.......Because if you can't learn to master your thinking, you're in deep trouble forever." This to me was a revelation. I thought, I WAS STUCK WITH THIS MIND FOREVER! The mind that allows me to have thoughts of self doubt, and to constantly beat myself up for my failures and mistakes. I can change it, I change them! What clarity this has given me. I'm not saying that I have mastered this skill over night but when I find myself on that negative train of thought I remember to turn it around, and to choose the things I think about rather than the thought choosing me.
Anyway I am still not sure what to do about the lack of shopping that is going on in my life right now but I am staying positive and searching for the perfect job, to fit around my kids, my life, and my retail habits. If anyone has any ideas, please share them with me. Also if anyone needs someone to shop with, let me shop with you and give you some help, plus I can ride off your retail fix! I miss shopping :-(
Happy thoughts to you all.......
Samara
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